what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
