Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just forgot I was standing up.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
