Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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