did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
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It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
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He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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