you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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