Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
