so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He passed out mid-signature
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
