Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
