Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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