Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
