I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
