I'm really into asian looking animals
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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