i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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