I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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