Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
