She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
