Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
