the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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