You really coming over, don't trick.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
