Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
