sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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