Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
