I am spending my child support on dildos
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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