this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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