Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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