Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
