I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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