Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
