I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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