I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
