I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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