I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
