I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
