Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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