dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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