Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
