Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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