i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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