The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think your dad took our porno
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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