last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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