My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
