Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
