i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
