I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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