the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
