Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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