You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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