I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
