My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
