I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
