what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends