If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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