listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
