You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
