and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
