Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
