Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize