I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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