I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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