Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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