I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
