i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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