She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
