I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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