i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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